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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26488129">Piecing the Puzzle Together</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hunter X Hunter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Universe, Crack, Dialogue Heavy, Established Relationship, F/M, Gossip, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Oneshot, Phone Calls &amp; Telephones, Rejection, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Sexual Humor, minor Machi/Illumi Zoldyck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:09:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,397</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26488129</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Machi phoned up Hisoka to complain about her bad date, not for him to make it worse.....</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hisoka &amp; Machi, Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>122</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Piecing the Puzzle Together</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Machi knew she was having a bad day when she had to call </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hisoka</span>
  </em>
  <span> to talk about it. Though she had other friends she could talk to, there were some topics that just felt like they had his name on them, strictly for how </span>
  <em>
    <span>out there</span>
  </em>
  <span> they were. Of course, there was also the benefit that they knew a lot of the same people, and that Hisoka was infinitely weirder than Machi could ever be, so there was a bit of a judgement free zone there. Nonetheless, she tried to keep her phone calls to a minimum lest Hisoka actually consider them </span>
  <em>
    <span>friends</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hisoka, can I talk to you about something?” asked Machi over the line, trying to keep her voice as flat as possible, lest Hisoka get the wrong idea about the nature of the call. She didn’t have to wait long for an answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What a coincidence, you’re just the person I wanted to talk to,” said Hisoka. Judging the tone of his voice was impossible since she’d have to peel back quite a few layers to get to the natural resonance. “I’ll be generous and let you go first.” Machi paused for a second. Was this some sort of mind game on Hisoka’s part? Did he actually want to talk to her about something? Or was he just going to waste her time talking about something irrelevant and gain the mental victory of getting to start the conversation even though she called first. No, she wouldn’t give in. It was likely something pointless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Generous is certainly a way to put it,” said Machi, using the hand that wasn’t holding her phone to undo her ponytail. Machi teased the ponytail holder around her fingers as she thought of how to make Hisoka slightly more interested in her story so she wouldn’t lose his attention. When he was bored of talking, it not only showed, but made the entire conversation feel like she was talking to a brick wall. Fortunately, knowing him for quite some years, Machi considered herself a sort of Hisoka conversation specialist. “Before I get into the meat of why I called you, this is for your ears only.”</span>
</p><p><span>“Oh?”</span><span><br/>
</span> <span>Machi could almost </span><em><span>taste</span></em><span> the syrup in his voice. That certainly caught his attention. </span></p><p>
  <span>“That, and, this is a judgement free zone, isn’t it?” asked Machi, softening her voice a little bit to play up the act. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I have my opinions about things, Mach, to ask me to forgo my personal thoughts on the matter is simply cruel,” said Hisoka, clicking his nails on the side of the phone just loud enough for Machi to hear the vibrations. “Why, is it really that bad?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Worse than what you’re thinking,” scoffed Machi, flashbacks of the shitshow from earlier clawing their way into her mind. She shivered. “Alright. You’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>friends</span>
  </em>
  <span> with Illumi, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Friends? You know </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> would say we’re friends, but he’s got it in his head that because he’s an assassin he’s not allowed to have friends-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Machi cut him off. She’d heard this exact schtick before from Illumi himself. But Hisoka knew what she meant by it, he was just being difficult. Of course he was, he couldn’t help it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know him well, don’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’d say that’s an understatement,” said Hisoka. “In fact, we used to date.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Machi almost dropped the phone. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Hisoka? Actually dating someone? Sure, he’d asked her out before, multiple times, but the idea of him going steady with someone completely boggled her mind. Was he even capable of holding a relationship? It made her oddly curious, but the more she pressed for information the more he would keep locked up. She had to let him bring it up himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Machi? Are you still there?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Machi nodded before realizing that this was a phone conversation. Duh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Physically or mentally?” she deadpanned. “Wow, that kind of beat me to the punch. I was going to go on a long tangent about how he joined our ranks recently, and, well, to cut the long story short, in order to actually get to know the guy because he’s so….. I ended up accidentally going on a date with him-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hisoka’s chuckle on the other end of the line was enough for her face to go beet red. “-Oh shut up, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>actually</span>
  </em>
  <span> dated him, you can’t make jokes about that!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How was your </span>
  <em>
    <span>date</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” asked Hisoka. Machi didn’t need to see him to know that he was holding back a devilish smirk. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was just getting there. Did he put you through the same interrogation process? Or is that a new addition because you were such an awful boyfriend,” teased Machi. Hisoka gasped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re putting daggers, right through my heart,” he sassed. “Isn’t that the point of a date, though? To get to know each other before you make a decision to enter a relationship? I mustn't be surprised, though, you don’t seem like the type to date. Especially since you’ve refused my offers the past few times-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re telling </span>
  <em>
    <span>me</span>
  </em>
  <span> that I’m not the type to date….” said Machi bluntly. Hisoka made a verbal sound of agreement. She shook her head. There was arrogance and there was also being completely unaware of yourself. Hisoka walked the line between the two like a tightrope. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Back to what I was saying, it wasn’t those kinds of questions,” said Machi. “He kept asking me about my health.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh? It’s good to know if your partner is healthy, though, isn’t it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uhg, not just that, he….” She clutched the cord of her phone and looked around the room to see if anyone would hear what she said next even though she lived alone. It was still </span>
  <em>
    <span>embarrassing.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “He was weirdly invasive about my reproductive health, and when my next cycle was coming.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a brief pause where Hisoka said nothing. Machi </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> he was doing it on purpose, but it didn’t make it any less awkward to sit there in silence. Sure, she’d brought up a bizarre topic, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>Illumi</span>
  </em>
  <span> had also brought it up first, so it shouldn’t be on her that it was this fucking awkward between them right now. There was only one way to remedy the situation: keep talking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, I could brush off one or two weird questions, but the worst part about it is that when I was in the bathroom he installed a </span>
  <em>
    <span>menstrual tracker</span>
  </em>
  <span> on my phone. Said it was for “future reference”. Needless to say, I am completely and thoroughly creeped out,” said Machi. She fluffed her hair up a little bit. “Honestly, looking back, before all the weird talk about my body he was still judging what I picked out to eat on the menu. I just thought he was being rude, but now…. Hisoka, I think he wants me for my womb.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was once again no response. Machi gritted her teeth. Was he really going to play the long game for this one?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It makes sense though, right? Those definitely aren’t normal questions to ask on a date, much less a first date,” said Machi, just wanting Hisoka to say something, </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span> at this point. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As much as I would </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> for you to continue this riveting story, I’m getting an unhealthy dose of secondhand embarrassment, and not the kind that makes me horny either,” lamented Hisoka. Machi scrunched up her face. Ew. “Normally I wouldn’t say this, but your plight has left an impression on me. I’ll fess up. I told him to be direct yet discrete with his intentions, which when put through Illumi’s mind led to </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Machi’s face went a pale white. Wait, so that meant…..</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You knew? Holy shit. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>asshole</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” groaned Machi. She flopped over backwards onto her bed and let the phone roll off to the side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Machi? Are you still there? You’re wasting your minutes if you don’t hang up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Machi brought the phone back up to her ear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was certainly entertaining hearing your point of view on the matter,” mused Hisoka. “And if you would have let me talk first, I would have straight up asked you about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, you wouldn’t have.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You never would have known,” hummed Hisoka. Machi rolled her eyes. As a fellow transmuter, she knew all his stupid tricks. He would have forcibly coaxed it out of her before straight up telling her that he knew. “So I assume then it’s a no go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You and Illumi.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Machi rolled her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, it’s a no go,” said Machi, crossing her arms. “Why the fuck wouldn’t it be? I didn’t even want to go on a date with him in the first place, it was just that Nobunaga suggested that I take him out to lunch and Shizuku called it a date. And once the idea was there, Illumi just kept calling it one too. I didn’t think it was going to be this </span>
  <em>
    <span>bad</span>
  </em>
  <span> though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s unfortunate, you’re rather strong, too,” said Hisoka.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you?” said Machi, lightening up her inflection over the second half. There was another awkward pause. Machi twirled her phone cord around her finger tightly. Why was he so adamant on torturing her conversationally today? “Wait, so Illumi is actually interested in me, romantically?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This got a laugh out of Hisoka. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Romantically? Oh, Machi, you make me laugh.”</span>
</p><p><span>“Yes. I can hear,” deadpanned Machi. “I don’t think that man has a romantic bone in his body…. And do </span><em><span>not</span></em><span> make a dick joke based off that.”</span><span><br/>
</span> <span>“You can’t just set me up for one and then take it away like that, it’s unfair,” whined Hisoka. “But you’d be surprised.”</span></p><p>
  <span>“Right, I keep forgetting that you two used to </span>
  <em>
    <span>date</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” said Machi. “Neither of you seem like the dating type, at </span>
  <em>
    <span>all</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I see why you broke up. You’re both insufferable in your own ways.”</span>
</p><p><span>“I never said we broke up.”</span><span><br/>
</span> <span>There was another awkward pause, but it was Machi’s turn now to have initiated it. </span></p><p>
  <span>“But you said you </span>
  <em>
    <span>used</span>
  </em>
  <span> to date,” started Machi. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can see why you’re confused. I wouldn’t say I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>dating</span>
  </em>
  <span> him because I’m technically engaged to him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” said Machi, pinching the bridge of her nose. “You’re engaged. To Illumi.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would have brought it up sooner but we decided to keep the news between close friends,” said Hisoka. Machi felt a twinge of jealousy. Close friends? Hisoka had </span>
  <em>
    <span>friends</span>
  </em>
  <span>? Closer to him than she was? No, she couldn’t be jealous of them in this situation. It wasn’t as if she wanted to be his friend, or anything. He only kept her around because her nen ability is useful and they used to be in the spiders together. But seriously, there was no way he had closer friends…..</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, and you let him go after me even though you two are getting married? What if on the off chance I, for some reason, decided to actually continue going on dates with him-” Machi cut herself short. “Were you looking for a threesome?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you?” asked Hisoka. There was yet again another awkward pause. “Say, what does Shizuku’s schedule look like.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Excuse me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, are you jealous that I’m going to ask another woman and not you?” asked Hisoka. Fuck, she’d fallen into his trap. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ask another woman </span>
  <em>
    <span>what?”</span>
  </em>
  <span> asked Machi. Hisoka resumed clacking his nails against the side of the phone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a long and </span>
  <em>
    <span>painful</span>
  </em>
  <span> story, you see, as we’re getting married soon we thought it might be a good idea to try for a baby since these things take some time-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Skip the part about your </span>
  <em>
    <span>engaging </span>
  </em>
  <span>sex life,” said Machi. Suddenly, she brought the phone closer to her mouth and lowered her voice. “But is he good though?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good enough for me to propose,” said Hisoka, brushing off the topic quickly now that Machi actually showed interest in it. She had picked up a few tips and tricks for dealing with him in the past, and one of those included refusing to get uncomfortable by things he said </span>
  <em>
    <span>to</span>
  </em>
  <span> make people squirm. Bonus points if she could reverse all the embarrassment onto him. “Anyways, we eventually came to the realization that neither of us could bear the other one’s child.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If either of you had a highschool degree you could have figured that out earlier,” muttered Machi under her breath. Hisoka ignored her snide comment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anyways, we decided that we still want to have children, and while the pregnancy stone from Greed Island is enticing, there’s just one problem with it: one of us will have to become pregnant,” said Hisoka. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, that’s how pregnancy works.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Regardless, we decided to go the route of a surrogate,” said Hisoka. “We compiled a list of people who we thought could produce strong children for us, and of course, those of which looked enough like either of us. Because you look slightly more like me, it was Illumi’s task to approach you about-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“First of all, Hisoka what the </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I would have said no, but if you two had just approached me and asked in general I would have been </span>
  <em>
    <span>way</span>
  </em>
  <span> less traumatized about the whole ordeal. Second of all, we don’t look alike,” said Machi. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why, do you dye your hair?” asked Hisoka. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You dye yours so what gives,” spat Machi. Hisoka gasped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is it obvious?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...Yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, good. My personal rule is that if I dye my hair it has to look dyed. Because unless I get it professionally done, even natural colors will look slightly off, and I’d hate to be called out on that,” explained Hisoka. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mine’s natural,” lied Machi. She feel Hisoka’s jealousy fuming through the phone line. “Anyways, good luck on your little search, I doubt you’ll find anyone but what the hell, there might be someone out there that fits all of your specific criteria. Now excuse me while I go take a bath, I feel like I need one.” And with that, Machi clicked off the phone, temporarily forgetting that since she worked with Illumi she’d likely run into him soon and have to face him again with all the information she knew. The horrible date from earlier today, the fact that he was dating and was now </span>
  <em>
    <span>engaged</span>
  </em>
  <span> to Hisoka, and the fact that the two of them were scoping out their acquaintances for a potential surrogate. What a ride. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Idea credit: https://hisoillusandwich.tumblr.com/post/629159605967192064/it-was-never-a-date-hes-finding-a-surrogate-for</p><p>I read the post and it wouldn't leave my mind for days so I *had* to write it..... xD hope y'all like it! Let me know your favorite parts!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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